Did anybody have a poo at Elm Park?

[RIP ELM Park]

Shouldn't this be on the "Oh what a lovely Defecate" thread?

[TedBundy89]

On the night of Monday 3rd November 1997 I bought a burger from the kebab van outside Aztec's nightclub in Wokingham, that was to become a massive error.

Tuesday morning 09:00, 4th November 1997- I had been at work at a local fast food drive thru restaurant for an hour, I had already had 8 shits.

19:45: Elm Park, Reading v Sheffield United.

I began counting my shits after visiting the Burger King toilet 8 times before opening, I'm not sure how many shits I had had before the need to go during the second half of a terrible game on a cold night on the South Bank. I ventured to the back of the South Bank towards the mens toilets with dread not knowing what I might find. I have been for a wee wee many a time but never even thought I would need a poo.

Talking of pooing in football stadia, i have done this many times, but at nice grounds like Maine Road, White Hart Lane, Wembley but never an Elm Park or a Kenilworth Road. That day I had no choice. Imagine the conditions, the door wouldn't lock, the seat was covered in piss. it smelt horrific. I couldn't care less! I took down my trousers and sat, it felt great.

A couple of minutes later I was ready to clean up. I looked around for toilet paper, I cursed my luck! I look around the small cubicle for something, anything to wipe my bum. There was nothing.

This is when I knew I had to use something I was wearing. First came off was my Reading FC scarf? Erm no. My coat? Nope. My jumper, it was my mates so no. Up next was something, it was my Burger King shirt that i was still wearing, bingo!!

The good thing about the mens toilet in the South Bank is there was a hook. After wiping my bum with my Burger King shirt i thought about what to do with it, I couldn't flush it so I stuffed it under the U bend. I leave, wash my hands and go back to my sister at the front of the stand. Little did we know the scoring had already ended and we lost woefully 0-1.

Hope you enjoy my story, if anyone is interested i completed the day with 31 shits. My bum really hurt.

P.S. I apologise to who ever found my Burger King shirt.

Bundy.

[Ian Herring]

On the night of Monday 3rd November 1997 I bought a burger from the kebab van outside Aztec's nightclub in Wokingham, that was to become a massive error.

Tuesday morning 09:00, 4th November 1997- I had been at work at a local fast food drive thru restaurant for an hour, I had already had 8 shits.

19:45: Elm Park, Reading v Sheffield United.

I began counting my shits after visiting the Burger King toilet 8 times before opening, I'm not sure how many shits I had had before the need to go during the second half of a terrible game on a cold night on the South Bank. I ventured to the back of the South Bank towards the mens toilets with dread not knowing what I might find. I have been for a wee wee many a time but never even thought I would need a poo.

Talking of pooing in football stadia, i have done this many times, but at nice grounds like Maine Road, White Hart Lane, Wembley but never an Elm Park or a Kenilworth Road. That day I had no choice. Imagine the conditions, the door wouldn't lock, the seat was covered in piss. it smelt horrific. I couldn't care less! I took down my trousers and sat, it felt great.

A couple of minutes later I was ready to clean up. I looked around for toilet paper, I cursed my luck! I look around the small cubicle for something, anything to wipe my bum. There was nothing.

This is when I knew I had to use something I was wearing. First came off was my Reading FC scarf? Erm no. My coat? Nope. My jumper, it was my mates so no. Up next was something, it was my Burger King shirt that i was still wearing, bingo!!

The good thing about the mens toilet in the South Bank is there was a hook. After wiping my bum with my Burger King shirt i thought about what to do with it, I couldn't flush it so I stuffed it under the U bend. I leave, wash my hands and go back to my sister at the front of the stand. Little did we know the scoring had already ended and we lost woefully 0-1.

Hope you enjoy my story, if anyone is interested i completed the day with 31 shits. My bum really hurt.

P.S. I apologise to who ever found my Burger King shirt.

Bundy.

Great account there Ted. Cheers.

Spaztecs. What a shithole. You should have bucketed your entire anal output and dumped it on the dance floor.

Good work with the shirt by the way. I had nothing at all for teh clean-up during my visit to the same u-bended venue.

[bobbybottler]

Never at EP but I did manage one at Bolton's Burnden Park, during the FA Cup game in 1992. Having queued up for a stone cold pie, it was out again less than five minutes after I devoured it.

For the record, there was a seat, there was paper (both covered in piss, obv), but there wasn't a door, so any number of bladder-heavy loyal Royals stumbling into the gents were confronted with a glimpse of me pissing brown water out of my barking spider. I was pretty drunk tbf but I recall having the sense not to try and light my cigarette until I had escaped out into the open air.

[leon]

in my life I have made it a policy of never having a sh*t at a football ground

[Jackson Corner]

I watched plenty of shit at EP but never had one.

[sawyers left arm]

I did on the southbank and always remember the words 'Shaka is a Geordie' written on the wall or door, cant remember.

[fozzy]

I am certain I never did a dump at Elm Park but I had to post and say that this is the funniest thread title (and accompanying posts) I've read in years.

I can't stop giggling about it. I'm getting on for 50 for Christ's sake.

My fave is "........ if anyone is interested i completed the day with 31 shits. My bum really hurt."

[Vic_Flange]

Yes, It's a gruesome tale but so were my guts.

I cant remember the match but I was on the South Bank. It would be about 15 years ago, shortly before the move to the Mad Stad. It probably even hasted our move.

I had to take make and interesting pose that would make Derren Brown (Wahay! - no pun intended) proud of hovering above the seat whilst my foot kept any unfortunate and surprized entrants out as the lock was as effective as our defence.

As quick as I could I released my package and let it go to it's water grave; and pretty much all I had for toilet roll was my own boxer shorts. I apologise now for that shocking site to the cleaners which I reccommend you bury them in 30 foot of concrete.

As I made my way back to the terraces, though, I felt so, so, much better.

I think it was all due to an iffy pint in the Spread. My stomach still churns at the thought to this day.

[facaldaqui]

The only time I took a shit at Elm Park was when I climbed the separating fence, pulled my flares down, and crapped on some baying Pompey fans who were annoying me.

[Elm Park]

" Elm Park what a dump"

Oi, who you calling a dump?

[Joe 90]

Robin Friday did.

Outstanding

[AthleticoSpizz]

Maguire, setting a whole new target idea for "Club92"

[Maguire]

LOL at the last few stories, good work

[Glory Boy]

Never had a shit at school, work or any football stadium. The thought of some uncouth, sweaty, degenerate monkey using the toilet before me just makes me wretch. To have a shit in a bog at a northern ground would just be too vile to contemplate.

[westongeezer]

Best Thread for a long time!

I only use the Shiiter at Footy for a sly smoke..............

[Jerry St Clair]

Classic thread.

There must be more, though. I think there was only one cubicle in the Southbank bogs and there was always huge queue. There must be some gr8 stories. Never partook myself, but I wish I had.

[glass half full]

I don't recall the EP toilets all that well from my teenage years but i'm pretty sure it was just a piss against the wall situation, with accompanying smell.

I remember having to near paddle through the piss to get to the against the wall wee basin. Stank as well.

I learnt to swim there.