Issue 6 - November 1998

YESTERDAY IN PARLIAMENT

Many of you will, no doubt, have heard of "Yesterday in Parliament", in which the previous day's events are dissected by some posh bloke employed by the BBC. Now, in an exclusive Whiff article, we take you to one of the less-reported sessions in the mother of all parliaments....

From the pages of Hansard:

Speaker: Order! Order! Oy! Prescott, put that fag out! Questions to the Prime Minister.

Martin Salter (Lab, Reading West): Is my right honourable friend aware that, in my own fair constituency, a marvellous new stadium has been constructed? And is he further aware that this magnificent arena houses by far the greatest team the world has ever seen?

Interjection: Denzil Scrapey (Lab, Swindon): Bollocks!!

Right Honourable Anthony Blair PM (Lab, Safe Seat East): I thank my honourable friend for the question. However, it is my understanding that by far the greatest team the world has ever seen resides in Newcastle. Way ay mon!

Murmurings from both sides of the house

Martin Salter (Lab Reading West): In that case, will my right honourable friend concede that all Tories are scum?

Right Honourable John Prescott (Lab, Grimethorpe): Stand up if you hate the scum, stand up if you hate the scum, stand up if you hate the scum...

Interjection : Cries from Conservative back benches: WE'RE THE RIGHT SIDE, WE'RE THE RIGHT SIDE, WE'RE THE RIGHT SIDE OF THE HOUSE!

Interjection: Cries from the Labour back benches: WE'RE THE LEFT SIDE, WE'RE THE LEFT SIDE, WE'RE THE LEFT SIDE OF THE HOUSE!

Interjection: Cries from the Liberal Democrats: WE'RE THE MIDDLE, WE'RE THE MIDDLE....

Speaker: Shut up! Next Question.

Dennis Skinner (Lab, Bolsover): I'd like to ask my right honourable friend: What do you think of Tories?

Labour Benches (All): SHIT!

Dennis Skinner (Lab, Bolsover): In that case, may I add - what do you think of Shit?

Labour Benches (All): TORIES! WE HATE TORIES, AND WE HATE TORIES, WE HATE TORIES AND WE HATE TORIES, WE HATE TORIES AND WE HATE TORIES - WE ARE THE TORY.........HATERS!

Tory Benches (all): JUST BECAUSE YOU'VE GOT A MAJORITY! JUST BECAUSE YOU'VE GOT A MAJORITY! IS THAT ALL YOU TAKE AWAY...ETC.

Speaker: The leader of the opposition.

Right Honourable Bill Haig (Con, extremely safe seat): Is the Prime Minister aware of the disgraceful shortage of pastry-based comestibles in the House canteen? And will he confirm or deny that the Deputy Prime Minister is directly responsible (points to John Prescott), and that he has ate all the pies?!?!!

Tory Benches (All): WHO ATE ALL THE PIES, WHO ATE ALL THE PIES - YOU FAT BASTARD, YOU FAT BASTARD, YOU ATE ALL THE PIES!
Right Honourable Anthony Blair PM (Lab, Safe Seat East): Look. Just fuck off.

Tory Benches (all): OOOOHOOOOH!

Right Honourable Anthony Blair PM (Lab, Look. Safe Seat East): In answer to the Right Honourable slaphead, I can only say: In Dublin's fair city, where the girls are so pretty, I first set my eyes on sweet Doctor Mowlam. As she wheeled her wig-barrow through streets broad and narrow singing: The Labour! The Labour!

Right Honourable Peter Mangledscum (Lab, Spin City): Will my right honourable friend join me in welcoming the tremendous success of the Millennium Dome? Surely this is a fine testament to the British spirit of something or other!

Tory Benches (All): SHIT DOME, NO FUNDS! SHIT DOME NO FUNDS!

Lab benches (All): DOWN WITH THE LIB'RALS - YOU'RE GOING DOWN WITH THE LIB'RALS, DOWN WITH THE LIB'RALS...CAN YOU HEAR THE TORIES SING? NO-OOO NO-OOO, CAN YOU HEAR THE TORIES SING, NO-OOO NO-OOO, CAN YOU HEAR THE TORIES SING? I CAN'T HEAR A FUCKING THING. OOOH-OOH OOHAARGH OOH OOH. SHHHHHHHH!

Ulster Unionist (All): TEN MEN! WE'VE ONLY GOT TEN MEN!

Speaker: Order! Order! Number 117 on the order paper:

Giles Unlikely-Surname (Con, Surrey): Will the Right Honourable gentleman concede that the speaker is a wanker?

Benches (All): THE SPEAKER IS A WANKER! THE SPEAKER IS A WANKER!!

Daffydd Rhys Llewellyn LLLLLLJones (Plaid Cymru,lllllanfffaaaaartisillynantgochgochllysiliocuntib-ubblliffllogigochigodwhatstheffucinpointohgogogogoch): I'd like to ask the Prime Minister about Welsh Hill Farmers...

The Entire House: WHO THE FUCKING HELL ARE YOU? WHO THE FUCKING, WHO THE FUCKING, WHO THE FUCKING HELL ARE YOU...ETC....

Speaker: Sergeant at arms - clear the house!

Cue large squad of under-paid, under-trained stewards charging the terraces.