Issue 1 - January 1998

SHEEP ROASTED BY RED-HOT ROYALS!

Jan 17th , County Ground, Swindon
Swindon 0 Reading 2
Lovell (9), Lambert (14)

Revenge, they say, is a dish best served cold and it was certainly cold enough at the County ground to freeze the balls off a brass Morley, but sweet revenge it was and in fine style to boot. Our first home game of the season, way back in August, had been against the ovine enthusiasts from down the M4 and on that occasion they waltzed off with all three points after a goal from Chris Hay (they just can't avoid those farming references) and a truly awful game.

On that occasion, the Royals could have played for 900 minutes and not scored; at the County ground, we took just nine minutes to silence the Wiltshire hordes. ("Hordes" is hardly the right word - only 9,500 with a full contingent from Reading; perhaps they knew what was going to happen.) The goal was scored by Reading's surprise new striker - someone called Steven Lovell, according to the tannoy announcer - and, if the execution was rather fortunate, the build-up play certainly was not as the Royals dominated the opening exchanges. A superb long ball (all right, hoof upfield) from Bernal over the top of what the Robins laughingly call a defence, was dropping straight into the arms of Fraser Digby (he really should be in the army with a name like that - or are sheep-shaggers banned along with homosexuals?). Unfortunately, or hilariously, depending on your point of view, he slipped, allowing Archie (or "Steven") to nod into an empty net.

Reading continued to dominate the game as it became apparent that MacMahon's decision to transfer list , and drop, eight of his first team after the Stevenage debacle has left him with a severely depleted squad - how else can you explain his decision to play cardboard cut-outs in place of real players? Just five minutes after the opener, some neat inter-play between Morley, Bowen and Lambert created an opening as the defence went AWOL again and Jamie gleefully slammed in the second. Bullivant's barmy-army really did go nuts at this point - not only were we two up but making Swindon look about as likely to make the play-offs as Doncaster.

Swindon finally woke up, probably as they realised what awaited them at half-time - a ranting scouser, whom no amounts of "calm down, calm down" would placate. A couple of good chances fell to Finney but he blazed the first over the bar and Hammond, impressive again, saved the second. The Royals should have extended the lead as Archie put Lambert clean through but he seemed unsure whether to pass or shoot and eventually hit Digby's legs.

At half-time, the general consensus seemed to be that we faced a torrid second half - after all, it's not unheard of for us to lose a two-nil half-time lead! Instead, Reading, and in particular Gareth Davies, dominated the second half and Swindon were restricted to a few long range efforts which seemed to be aimed at the Reading fans rather than the goal. By the final whistle, most of the "flock" had disappeared - no doubt off home to the pasture to drown their sorrows in sheep dip.

In his programme notes, MacMahon repeated the old "You don't just suddenly become a bad team over the space of a few weeks" adage (incidentally, where would managers, club captains etc. be without clichés? If they were banned, official programmes would be two pages long). He has, in fact, got this arse-about-face - Swindon were never a good side and are now finding their natural level. This fact does put the performance from Reading into perspective (i.e. we outplayed a poor team rather than one with any realistic chance of a play-off place). Having said that, Reading are beginning to look a more solid unit and hopefully Archie's ability to use the ball intelligently will get some recognition and a run in the side.


The 30-SECOND Match Report

- for those who can't be arsed to read the real thing.

All you need to know in a few lines about: Swindon vs Reading
Jan. 17th 1998

Score: You're not serious?
Scorers: Archie and Jamie. Or, since I don't know them personally, Lovell and Lambert.
Crowd: 9,500 at the first whistle; 2,000 at the final whistle.
No. of Corners: Who cares?
No. of throw-ins: Are you taking the piss?
MotM: Gareth Davies, Parky, Archie, take your pick really.
WotM: Darren Bullock - numerous appalling challenges without even being booked. (W = Wanker)
The referee's a ...: Should have sent off the aforementioned Bullock but apart from that had a good game.
Turning point: The first whistle.
Funniest Moment: Can a moment last 90 minutes?
Funniest Headline: The Swindon Evening Advertiser - " Swindon Loos hit in Budget cut." I kid you not!

What the managers said:
Bullivant - "We passed the ball well and we got what we deserved"
MacMahon - "I'm off to nick somebody's wheels" and "I'm going to stick by my lucky opal"
(Only one of the above is made up)

What the players said: "I love you - you're my best mate" (well, OK, this was in Utopia some considerable time after the final whistle)

What the press said:
"Local heroes strike as Royals send Swindon crashing to defeat" - Reading Evening Post
"Sack the Scouse Twat!" - Times Literary Supplement
"That pitch should be ploughed up - and we know just the tractor to do it with" - Wiltshire Sheep-Shaggers Gazette
"Swindon Loos....." - Swindon Evening Advertiser