Issue 6 - November 1998

You just couldn't make this stuff up...

The game's newest managerial appointment bravely pinpointed yet another threat to the stability of football - supermarket trolleys.

Jimmy Quinn, recently put in charge of struggling Swindon, has slapped a ban on his players shopping in the three days before a match. Drink? Drugs? Gambling? No problem. Quinn has identified shopping as the drain on the lives of professional footballers.

He said: 'Trailing round the shops with your missus for three hours can wear you out. I've told the lads that they have to put their feet up when they get home. I don't want them lugging heavy bags of shopping around days before a game.'

'They shouldn't be out there shopping with the wife or going out night-clubbing. If it upsets the missus and means sleeping in the spare room for a couple of nights, then so be it if it will improve performances on the pitch.'

Swindon's former England striker Mark Walters, however, believes the scheme may have a short shelf-life. Walters said: 'I don't think any man could stop my missus getting me out shopping!'

Another Yokel, sorry, un-named Swindon player said "For fuck's sake, we finally get rid of McMahon and this is what we get as a replacement?!?!" (actually, that bit, unlike the rest of this piece, is not strictly true)

NB: The above may seem a little over the top but there is a documented case of a trolley related accident. Ian Marshall, while at Ipswich, managed to pull a muscle while shopping in his local supermarket. And it's not just the trolleys, what about the contents? We all know about our good friend Dave Beasant and the bottle of salad cream. Ouch!

 

Tommy Burns and the Reading team are having a chat in the dressing room before their match against Swindon. "Look guys, I know they're shite.." explains Tommy, "but we have to play them to keep the FA happy".

"I'll tell you what.." pipes up Martin Williams, "You guys go down the pub and I'll play them on my own, how does that sound?".
"Seems reasonable." replies Tommy, so with that they all go down the pub.

After an hour or so, Hammond remembers the match and flicks the pub telly onto Ceefax: Reading 1 (Williams 10min), Swindon 0 - is the scoreline. Confidently they resume their drinking for the next hour until switching back to Ceefax. The final score reads: Reading 1 (Williams 10min), Swindon 1 (S Shagger 89min). "WHAT!!" they exclaim and run back to the Mad House where they find Williams sitting in the dressing room with his head in his hands. "What the bloody hell happened, Martin?" bellows Darren Caskey.

"Sorry lads" Skittles replies, "Bloody ref sent me off in the 11th minute".