Issue 2 - March 1998

IT'S A WIND-UP
- with Trevor Morley and Ray Houghton.

Most people seem to think that the best way to win a football match is to score more goals than the opposition. When you've been in the game as long as we have, however, you realise that this view is a bit out-dated, not to say simplistic. The key to winning matches is to expose the opposition's weaknesses and, let's face it, they're at their weakest when they have less players than you do!! Don't wait for them to do it to themselves - make sure your opposing player is bathed, changed and in the bar way before everyone else.

So, in a nutshell (more about that particular area of the anatomy later), wind them up and watch them go!! Without giving away too many trade secrets, here's a beginners guide to footballing psychological warfare:

1) Talk constantly to your opposing player - it doesn't have to be an insult, it doesn't even have to make any sense. In fact, listening to complete gibberish for 60 minutes is almost guaranteed to make anyone lash out in anger (try watching Noel's House Party).

2) When going for the ball in the air, don't actually bother - going for the ball that is. Rather, simply look as if you are trying to jump and then shove your arse into the defenders midriff and lean forward - the defender will catapult over your back and probably break his neck. Remember to grin smugly at said defender when ref. awards free-kick in your favour.

3) Perfect art of falling over. Don't do absurd Klinsmann-like over-acting - just stretch out your legs and collapse in heap as soon as you see the whites of the defender's eyes.

4) Tell opposing player that Alan Ball wants to sign him.

5) Constantly inform referee of foul deeds committed behind his back - whether they are or not. Remember, never get overly aggressive or swear at the referee - just remind him who's running the show - i.e. you.

6) After gaining the umpteenth unfair free-kick, gently drop into your conversation with the opposition that ref. is your youngest boy's godfather.

That should be enough for the first lesson - follow the above rules and you should be playing against ten men (or less) every week! Only once you've implemented these tactical master-strokes should you attempt to score more goals than the opposition.

Cheers,

Trev 'n' Ray.

Next issue, football's answer to Carl Jung and Sigmund Freud broaden their horizons and show us how to defeat Saddam Hussain by squeezing his balls when the UN inspectors aren't looking.